Showing posts with label romance bandits. Show all posts
Showing posts with label romance bandits. Show all posts
Friday, January 14, 2011

The Winner Is.....

Friday, November 12, 2010

That Which Does Not Kill Me, Will Make My Head Explode

    by Joanie

    Which sounds like an oxymoron since, being a medical professional, I can attest that a blown up head will kill you.

    No, I'm talking of a slower demise....modern technology.

    Seriously, the tech world has painted a big target on my back these past two months and I've about had it! First my DVR on my cable screwed up. couldn't record vital shows like DWTS for corn's sake!

    Then decided I needed to upgrade my perfectly functioning 8 year old computer. Studied different ones, listened intently to the knowledgeable young man and bought one with lots of bells and whistles. And that's where things took a drastic turn.

    First, the arranged tech guy who was supposed to come hook everything "wirelessly" up was a no show. In an effort to satisfy me, the customer, the store got a special ok for a tech manager to come do it. Great except he never hooked up the printer to PRINT, only to fax.

    That's when I first met my new love. The Geek Squad Agent. In two seconds he had me connected and running. No problems. Even hooked up my cute little Acer to the printer. Woohoo! I was cooking with gigabytes.

    Then the cat ran over the keyboard.

    What do my precious little babies have to do with technology? Well, ends up they are psychic. When Grayson danced across the keys while I was reading email, it disappeared. Could not find it no matter where I looked including under the desk, in the closet, out the window...it wasn't there.

    Oh, honey....I need you. Agent Bob answered online. His remote analysis (which made my head spin as I watched on my screen) revealed bad news. My hard drive is on the verge of failure with corrupted files that he states cannot be fixed. My new 2 mo. old computer!

    Lovely.

    Now I have another new computer that my guy is coming to hook up tomorrow (Hmmm...will it be Ted, Bob, or ummm...Roberto>) even as I wade once again through the features, the monitor, the wireless capability I recognize that I am hooked ENOUGH on it to feel out of kilter when I'm not connected.

    What about you? How dependent are you on technology. What could you NOT live with out? What would you like to see invented? (Me? I'd like an automatic cat nail trimmer).

    Now excuse me....but my garage door opener is making noise...Oy!Source URL: https://plasticsurgerycelebrities.blogspot.com/search/label/romance%20bandits
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Sunday, September 12, 2010

One Word Says It All

    Joanie
    So, I was sitting here on a rainy Saturday cleaning up some tasks before revising a synopsis I’ve written. A synopsis made up of words.

    Words?

    Hmmmmm…..

    So I latched onto my trusty Google (I do NOT like their new process for searching.) and looked up word games. Word association! What a fun challenge for our Lair, both writers AND readers!!!

    So we’re going to do a little experiment. I’m going to start by posting the first word. The winner of the GR will take that word, put it in a sentence then post the next word. Yes, ya’ll will have to find the last comment to get your word and …there will be some overlap but how fun to see how different people think!!!

    (I was going to do ink blots…put that scared me :-0 )

    The poster with the most original sentence wins a ten dollar gift card from Borders. So gang…let’s go. The first word is BALLOON….
    Source URL: https://plasticsurgerycelebrities.blogspot.com/search/label/romance%20bandits
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Thursday, August 12, 2010

Stuck in The Middle


    So the other day, I was fussing at my daughter. “Cricket Marie! Get out of the toilet bowl!”

    Ahem, yes I’ve managed to give my sweet furry little girl a middle name.

    That got me to thinking about middle names. The origins, the stories behind them. Mine is, as you might surmise Marie. This reflects my Catholic heritage when it was common (whispers) back in the 60’s to honor the Blessed Virgin by giving your daughter a variation of her name: Marie, Mary, Marion etc.

    It has a good ring to it. “Joan Marie get your chin away from that hot cookie sheet!” Um, despite the exhortation from my mother, I didn’t and have vivid memories of the burn on my 4 yo chin and the great big Band-Aid on it.

    Middle names did not begin until the late Middle Ages and not with English speakers until the 1600’s. As you can imagine with most history, the practice started among the aristocracy. In America middle names gained popularity after the American Revolution in, the South. “Fannie Mae, would ya’ll pass those biscuits please.” The enlistment form for World War I was the first form to provide space for a middle name.

    The source of middle names began with lineage connections…great grandfathers, favorite aunts, rich relations. Many women took their maiden names as their middle names. This is the case our own Suz who can trace the practice in her family back to the 1800’s

    Eventually, bestowing middle names became a way to differentiate people as the population increased where in any given area you may have fifteen “John Smiths”. So now you had “John William, John Davis, and maybe a John Jacob Gingleheimer Schmidt. Soon doing so became a custom and people drifted from familial monikers to names of people they admired.

    So here’s a short quiz.

    1. This new teenage idol’s middle name is Drew
    2. His sister may have been reincarnated but Henry Beatty goes by this middle name.
    3. Suave and debonair James Niven is known by this name.
    4. She served hot dogs to the Queen of England…that Anna Roosevelt.
    5. Christopher…not a very swashbuckling middle name for this popular pirate.
    6. You’d expect something a bit more wolfish than Michael for this Aussie hunk.

    Even the Banditas have middle names. Susan’s middle name was a tribute to her father, Roberta. JoMama’s middle name is Jo which often happens if you don’t care for your first name, hence my mom was always Thelma instead of Frances. And in the course of composing this, I found out one of our Bandita’s middle name is JOAN! Can you guess who it is?

    So. What about you? Do you like your middle name? If you’re comfortable sharing we’d love to hear it. If you’re like Jeanne and Anna S. who have no middle name, or would change yours what would you change it to and why? What do you think the Golden Rooster’s middle name is?
    Source URL: https://plasticsurgerycelebrities.blogspot.com/search/label/romance%20bandits
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Monday, July 12, 2010

I've Got Nothing to Wear!

    Now, before you all grab your faces and shout “My eyes! My eyes!” I can assure you, I do have SOMETHING to wear to RWA conference in two weeks. I mean I would not want to be the cause of Mickey Mouse keeling over in shock.

    Rags. All of it rags.

    Ok, not really but one thing I always look forward to before conference is buying new clothes for the occasion. I have “adequate” clothing for the business end of it and several cocktail type dresses, sparkly heeled sandals with sparkle still left. But I like to get something new to wear. Something fresh, something stylish, something that will make me look like the perfect next bestseller. Chic instead of comfy. Satin instead of worn cotton.

    Especially given the tropical setting of Florida. I wasn’t quite geared up for that but the idea of supplementing my wardrobe with fun colors and soft, flowing tops and dresses and sandals…dear Lord, don’t get me started on the sandals!! I HEART sandals (deep breath Joanie, deep breath)…was enough to make my credit card grin.

    So, armed with this elevated enthusiasm, I trotted out to the malls. (Quick, somebody pick up Nancy…she hates malls). Macy’s here I come!

    I ran in and headed for the Misses department, my eye keen for shades of teal, of royal or sea blue, navy, white and the occasional pink. Maybe even some white or black capri’s. ….a girl can never have too many. I circled and circled and circled…nothing. I stood in stunned silence. Everything was so UGLY!

    The prints were loud, in startling shades of bright orange/yellow/green or incredibly dull shades of pewter or faded puce. Electric brown melded with globs of mustard yellow. I was in shock. How could one of my favorite stores let me down?

    I dashed out to New York and Company. I can ALWAYS rely on them. Well, colors were good but the cuts of the blouses, the designs? Ack! Not made for this girl who is not 5’6 “ and
    -80 lbs. I don’t even hold that against retailers because we all know that sizes are relative anymore. I take one size in one brand and a smaller one in another. But man...not even ONE top?

    I scanned the racks for a dress. A casual, cotton knit dress to wear breezing around the Magic Kingdom. I searched and searched finally seeing one in the perfect shade of teal, the perfect cut, the ideal material.

    I couldn’t catch the woman wearing it walking across the Food Court fast enough!

    Hours I spent looking for the Orlando look, mentally taking an inventory of my closet. It will be too hot to claim Caren’s Chico jacket though Nancy’s jewelry is still an option. Those white capri's from last year aren't too worn out.

    Came home with two pairs of sandals and a beach towel.

    Sigh. I can always accessorize. Oh, Nancy!!!!

    So, what about you all? Do you have a favorite store? A favorite brand? What works best for you, the tried and true or the impromptu shopping trip. If you’re going to the conference, have you found the perfect outfit?Source URL: https://plasticsurgerycelebrities.blogspot.com/search/label/romance%20bandits
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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Honesty...Such A Lonely Word!

    posted by Joanie T

    Helloooo, Banditas! How are you? It’s so wonderful to be back here in the Lair, shooting the, er, breeze with my old chums! But, since the theme of this blog is honesty, I must admit something…I’m really only here because I’m dying to come to the tony margareth party at RWA National. You hear the rumors, right? The cabana boys, the frozen drinks, Nora Roberts on karaoke singing Endless Love…who wouldn’t want to come? And last year, according to rumor, Joan Kayse won the Girls Gone Wild flashing contest. I wasn’t supposed to tell, but in the interest of full disclosure, I felt I had to. Sorry, Joan.

    I jest, of course. Joan asked me to pick a theme for today’s blog that would be relevant in some way to my upcoming release, ALL I EVER WANTED (isn’t that the best cover?). I figured honesty would be a good one.

    One of the things I love about this book is, of course, the hero. Ian is a man incapable of lying, even when lying might be a good idea. Ian is honest to a fault…he can’t schmooze, he doesn’t sugarcoat anything, refuses to play along with anything. So different from Callie, who feels the need to make everyone like her. Callie will do just about anything to keep on the sunny side, overlook anything, go to any lengths to paint people in the most flattering light. She just can’t dislike anyone…especially her boss, Mark­—the guy she’s loved since time immemorial. He’s got to be a good guy. He just has to be. ’Cause she wouldn’t love him otherwise, right?

    Staying positive is not easy for Callie, especially when we meet her. See, a few months ago, she had a five-week relationship with Mark, and it was perfect. For her. For him, not so much. He broke up with her, saying the timing wasn’t right, and now, the morning of Callie’s 30th birthday, it seems maybe the timing is finally right. And it is. Just not for her. Mark’s in a relationship. Yep. He’s met someone else

    Don’t you hate when that happens? Oh, lordy, that’s the worst romantic feeling there is, I think. Things used to be so perfect…and now, let’s be honest, things rather suck. You’re still in love. He’s moved on. You’re still thinking about him every waking moment…he’s feeling no pain.

    And so Callie, who’s extremely honest when it comes to her feelings­—extremely honest and, er, open—falls apart. In line at the DMV. In front of everyone. She can’t help feeling things so acutely…it’s just how she is! Blubbering out her woes to her sister as she waits to renew her license, taking comfort from the strangers in line (well, some of the strangers), Callie suffers from what one gentleman calls “emotional diarrhea.”

    Oh, the humanity! We’ve all been there. Want to hear a story? Of course you do. That’s why you’re here, right? Back when I was a youth, my boyfriend of about a year took me out to dinner. Nice restaurant. He actually called me and asked, too…the whole “Are you free on Friday night?” It was so freakish and bizarre and romantic, I should’ve sensed a tremor in the Force, if you will. But I was obtuse (am obtuse?), and so I figured a marriage proposal was coming my way.

    Oh, squee! I bought a new dress, called my best friend, got a haircut. So, so exciting! Off we went to the restaurant. Boyfriend and I been a little itchy and scratchy lately, sure, but we loved each other! Mostly! So this had to be the night he’d pop the question, yes?

    Um…nope. Not so much. He proceeded to tell me he thought our relationship had run its course and it was time for us to break up.

    And here’s what I said. “I don’t think so, pal. No. Nope. Not gonna happen.” Because, first of all, I had bought a new dress for this occasion, and it was a killer dress, and I was not going to have it become my breakup dress, I can assure you! Secondly, I loved this guy! Right? I had to, right, because we’d been together for a year! So, in a nutshell, I basically refused to let my boyfriend to dump me. Even if he was a jerk. Oh, no. We were going to stay together, dang it, and we were going to be miserable, thank you very much!

    See, like my heroine­—who is more like me than any heroine yet, I think—I really thought that if I did everything right, I’d get the results I wanted. I had yet to learn that we can’t force people to act the way we think they should. Sadly, we don’t get to control other people (such a shame!). My boyfriend and I stayed together for a few more awkward months before I finally let him pull the plug. It took a while to really and truly be honest about that one—things just weren’t going to work.

    It’s hard to be honest sometimes, don’t you think? Whether it’s with ourselves or with others…admitting that maybe someone isn’t the best friend or coworker, maybe. Admitting that we have to do better on some front. That maybe it’s not someone else’s fault…it’s ours. Ouch! I hate that, don’t you?

    So tell me…when was it tough for you to tell the truth? Were you ever in a situation like Callie, unable to stop being honest…and blurting out way too much information to the masses? I’ll pick a commenter and send her an advance copy of All I Ever Wanted.

    And as always, thanks so much to the lovely Joan for inviting me to be here. It’s always such a pleasure!

    Kristan
    http://www.blogger.com/
    http://www.blogger.com/









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Saturday, June 12, 2010

Lessons from the Back Seat

    posted by Joanie T

    What did ya’ll think I was going to be writing about?

    *wink*

    Nope, THAT topic is for another blog. This post is about enjoying the simpler things in life. Like….Cookie Monster.

    Now seriously, I don’t know that much about the characters of Sesame Street having not grown up with them but I’m a big Muppet fan and turns out…my friend’s daughter who turns 2 this week is too.

    Her upcoming party led me to the toy store today to shop for presents. I perused the hundreds of toys out there…marveled at all the ingenuity and creativeness of modern day play things. Electronic, life-like, Barbie-licious….really…can there be that many shades of pink? Toys that have to make you wonder how kids stimulate their imaginations when it’s all laid out for them.

    And then I found Cookie Monster.

    There amidst every type of conceivable Sesame Street music maker, make up kit, play cell phone and pink computer was this little guy. He looked like a simple stuffed doll but then I tilted the head back.

    “COOKIE”

    I smiled. Back and forth I flipped this toy, listening to it say in a very authentic CM voice “Ha-Ha”, “Cowabunga”, “Cookie Monster”. The more I flipped the wider I smiled until I could not help but giggle. I haven't giggled that much since my last pitcher of sangria at Olive Garden!

    This…THIS was the perfect gift!

    I kept playing with it as I went out to the car. My brother just shook his head as I laughed. And the enjoyment continued as we ran errands because every time I braked or went over railroad tracks we’d hear some comment from the back seat. “Yum, Yum” or the noise of munching cookies.

    An uncomplicated toy. But the pure enjoyment I got out of it was so refreshing especially in the hectic world we live in.

    So the lesson I learned from the back seat was to savor the simple pleasures in this life, take a minute to laugh, smile and eat a cookie.

    Have you enjoyed a simple pleasure lately? What was it? Do you have a favorite Sesame Street and/or Muppet character?

    BTW…the best phrase CM muttered from the back seat was “Hot Ta Ta”…um…maybe I COULD have written that other blog.
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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Eating My Words


    So, I'm reviewing my blog from last month. The one where I was basically talking myself out of adopting a pet.

    Pretty sound arguments I decided as my new kitten nibbled on my toes.

    Yup, I went from 0-60 in 30 days.

    I have a new pet.

    Here she is, the little darling. Her birth name was Chaos. While somewhat accurate, I thought it too negative a connotation. So, I changed it to Cricket. Still appropriate as she bounces from couch, to wall, to perch, to recliner, to floor and back again. Whew, I get exercise just watching her!

    Now remember, I hadn't had any type of pet (fish don't count...not really. You can't pet a fish) since I was a child. I didn't really realize how I'd have to kitten proof the house. The first time out of her carrier? She headed straight to a kitten size opening I didn't remember I had under my cabinet. Got her tail in the nick of time.

    She loves to snuggle and perch on my knee. She's starting to pay attention to the birds outside and is onto my kitten evasive manuevers.

    Some things I've learned in 2 weeks:

    1. Cats don't care that you want to eat alone.....they want to help.

    2. She'll require a manicure more often then me while I.....will need more Bandaids and Neosporin.

    3. You THINK she's in the carrier while you vaccum???? Ha!

    4. That's not a horse you hear galloping around your house....it's a manaical cat. I should have called her "My Little Pony."

    5. She knows the mousie on a stick is not real...but plays with it to amuse you.


    But she snuggles and is good at night. Is using her "big girl" litter box and greets me at the door.

    We've often taken polls here in the Lair. What about you? Cats or Dogs? Or "other". What's your favorite type of pet? And names. What is your pet's name and why?
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Friday, March 12, 2010

Undiscovered Gems of The Lair

    Whew! Another long day in the writing cave, thought Jeanne, Duchess de Snorkville as she closed out the latest Deadly file. Rolling her shoulders, she grabbed her bottle of Diet Coke and headed for the door.

    Click, click, click…*&^$$$%^

    What was that noise? It was pretty late. Even the Aussies should be in bed..or in their pool or off on an exotic Japanese vacation.


    “Stop it! I don’t want you two making out right now! We have conflict to resolve!” a frustrated voice growled.

    Curious, the Duchesse followed the sounds of plotting out the corridor, turned right and headed down the auxiliary tunnel. Funny, she thought, this was the secret passage to the cabana boys locker room but the noises coming from behind the golden door at the end were not the usual…um, noise one heard.

    Ever the RS author, she grasped her Coke bottle by the neck. Hey, it wasn’t C4 but it could do some damage…and with less calories. Slowly she opened the door and stared.

    Eight Banditas sat hunched over keyboards. The clacking was deafening, the only light in the room shone from their computer screens. “Hey guys,” she said, strolling in “What’s up?”

    Eight Bandita heads shot up. “You scared us, Duchesse,” said Caren, “And that’s not easy to do with with KJ and Cassondra and their arsenal.”

    “Sorry,” she answered, abashed. “But it’s late. What are you doing up?

    “We’re creating brilliant novels,” replied Suz, stroking the bunny in her lap.

    “Yeah,” piped up Joanie T, signaling to Demetrius to bring her another glass of sangria, “We’re AYU-As Yet Unpublished-but we’re working our butts off to get there.”

    Jeanne, frowned, pulls up a chair and sat down. “Yeah, I don’t get that. Ya’ll are great writers. We should be seeing your book covers on the sidebar.”

    “Perseverance,” said Anna S. tossing Nancy a hockey puck. “Keep at it till the right editor and agent recognize what they…and the publishing world... have been missing. We are the next best thing!”

    “It’s hard to hang in there,” admitted Jo aka JoMama, grabbing a dark chocolate kiss from a jar marked ‘Perseverance’ “but there’s an old saying “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.”

    Nancy tossed the puck to the dragon who chased it like a dog. “Adding boom helps a lot,”

    “It does,” agreed Cassondra, molding a lump of C4 into a tiny cabana boy, “And staying in the chair on track does too.”

    “Research,” added KJ, “Lots of trips and top notch conferences fuel our determination."

    Jeanne nodded. “We’ve all been there, done that. What's the first story you ever wrote?"

    Caren: My first story was about a Highlander-obsessed sword-wielding Wal-Mart worker who lived on her parents' screened-in porch. It had less than no chance in New York, but it was hilarious.

    Suz: Mine was REFUGE. My writing wasn't bad, but over the years I've improved my craft, so a few years back I went back to this story, because I loved it so much, rewrote it and am now featuring it on my blog as a serial book...one chapter a week! (Talk about torturing your readers!!)

    Anna: My first romance was ‘Paws for Love’, about an ex-business woman who runs a cattery and who has to go back to work in business to save it. The hero is a customer and the owner of the business she joins. Very Special Edition , complete with nasty ex-girlfriend, an even nastier ex-husband, a pair of cute old ladies and some fun cats.

    Nancy: If we're moving beyond the crayon stage, the first
    story I remember writing was science fiction about a girl who saved a Mars colony from alien attack by building a giant space mirror. Highly improbable, dreadfully flawed science, and a definite wish fulfillment heroine, but I enjoyed writing it. My first complete book-length fantasy was about mages saving a kingdom threatened by dark magic.

    Jo: When I was fourteen I wrote a story about a high school reunion. Of course, the heroine had turned from ugly duckling to beautiful swan and the hero was immediately attracted to her, wondering how he’d missed her clever wit and graceful beauty ten years ago!

    KJ I’ve always loved books that can make me laugh, so I tried my hand at a romantic comedy about a flagging furniture company headed by an feisty wheelchair-bound octogenarian. A romance bloomed between his designer granddaughter and a Greek marketing guru they hired to rescue the bottom line. Needless to say, that novel will never see daylight—too many references to Cleopatra couches and tiger-striped lamps. Also, Grandpa completely stole the show! But the experience of writing was so much fun that I was hooked.

    Joan: Does a parody of “The Little Matchstick Girl” called “The Little Flashlight Girl count”? No? Ok, well my first focused manuscript was my 2006 GH entry Roman historical, “The Patrician’s Desire.” It was my learning manuscript and it took a while to get it molded into shape. I had to…the hero Jared wouldn’t LET me put him under the bed :-)

    Cassondra: The first story? Oh, man…I dunno if I can remember back that far. I remember one in the sixth grade. It was based on one of the color plates in my Literature textbook. A couple of guys from pre-Revolutionary War days. They were in a canoe and it looked like they were running trap lines (for fur trade) and I wrote a story about them. After that, there were too many to count. Focused, book-length fiction? It was the story which, after a whole bunch of incarnations, became the manuscript that finaled in the Golden Heart.

    Jeanne picked up the mimosa that had suddenly appeared in front of her. Man, those cabana boys could be sneaky. “Wow, those all sound great! Hmm…since it’s late and I have a mimosa and you’re all taking a break, let me give you another question. Let’s talk about the really yummy stuff. Who is your favorite hero, in film and why?

    Caren: My favorite film hero is Brendan Fraser's Rick O'Connell in the Mummy movies. He's smart, funny, handsome and swashbuckling PLUS he loves a strong woman. How could I resist?

    Suz: My favorite hero in films would be Clive Owen as King Arthur. Oh mama. Makes you want to go all medieval, doesn't he? Strong, handsome, honorable...and boy can he wield a mean sword!

    Anna: Oooh tricky question – my instinctive answer is Cary Grant in pretty much any movie. But, I think it should be Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp in ‘Tombstone’. A great flawed hero, who tries to do the right thing, even when the odds are against him. I love all the different facets we see of him – brother, family man, husband, gun-slinger, marshall, boy in love. .

    Nancy That's a toughie. Clive Owen as King Arthur, Viggo
    Mortensen as Aragorn, Christopher Reeve as Superman, Errol Flynn as Robin Hood. I can't really pick. For me, a hero has to buckle a mean swash, as it were, and all of them do. The one exception to the swashbuckling mode would be Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch. Fits all other criteria and was a fabulous dad. And a crack shot when the need arose.

    Jo: Way too many to list, but among the top ones are George Clooney (a classy and classic media presence), Gerard Butler (when he’s fit and trim not carrying fifteen extra pounds), and Shia Labeouf (okay I just want to pinch his cheeks and feed him cookies).

    KJ: Harrison Ford as Richard Kimball in THE FUGITIVE. The hero had to conquer unbelievable odds (who’d believe that a one-armed man killed his wife???) and he used his ingenuity and intelligence to solve the mystery of the killer. Brilliant writing and plotting coupled with stellar acting from Harrison.

    Joan: There are a LOT of heroes from big screen (and little screen) who are favs but when you think about the genre I write in it would have to be Daniel Day Lewis in LOTM. He had everything and the buckskins too, to make a woman fall at his feet….or jump over his shoulder to be carried away from danger…or to his lair :-)

    Cassondra: It depends on the day. Today it’s probably Viggo as Aragorn. I like Bill Pullman in “While You Were Sleeping” too. He’s kind of earthy in that movie. Most heroes I fall for are that way. Tomorrow I’ll like somebody else though. I’m like Joanie in that Daniel Day Lewis in LOTM always comes out in the top two. Always. On any day. I don’t much like him in any other films, but he rocked that role.

    “Wow, those are all great picks,” Jeanne sighed as Sven came out of the shadows and started massaging her shoulders. “Thank you Sven, that right shoulder...ahhhh, yes. Oh, sorry. Okay, new question, same vein. If you had to cast a current or past star as the hero of your WIP, who would you pick and why?”

    Caren: The hero of my WIP (which is more a Mess In Progress now) would be perfectly portrayed by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Oh, yes, I DID go there!

    Suz: The hero for my current MIP is Shemar Moore. In fact the moment I thought of this hero, I knew Shemar was my inspiration. Love him on Criminal Minds and he can so bring Gabe Danville to life.

    Anna: I’m battling with that at the moment. Normally, I have the hunk all picked out. This time, it’s more difficult. My heroine has been likened to Detective Beckett in ‘Castle’. I think I see my hero as kind of Eastern European in looks – like Viggo or Travis Fimmel from The Beast or one of my fave footie players – Nemanja Vidic.

    Nancy Also a tough question for me, as I don't ordinarily do this. The hero of my WIP exists in my head, and I don't generally put anyone else's face onto him or onto the heroine. That actually interferes with my vision of the character since the face tends to bring with it the tendencies of the last character I saw that actor portray. However, for purposes of this one blog, I'd pick Christopher Reeve, who's closest in appearance, though not a twin by any means, to the hero I'm working on now.

    Jo: Actually, I had my middle son in mind when I wrote Tucker Gage, the haunted Marshal in my historical suspense-thriller WEAK FLESH. Take a look at Tyler with his son Barett and you’ll see why!

    KJ Clive Owen. He’s action-oriented, rugged, yet sensitive—and that accent! Do men like him really exist???

    Joan: Well, my current WIP is a paranormal and Matt Bomer fits the bill nicely for my image of Ruarc. Mischievous, sensual and ……sigh...magical.

    Cassondra: Hmmm. I’m writing in a new-to-me genre right now, and I guess Viggo would fit best, but he really doesn’t look completely like the hero. Nobody does. I don’t know who would look like the hero…he’s sort of a combination of Viggo’s scruffiness mixed with a young Harrison Ford mixed with Brendan Fraser mixed with a 30-year-old Jon Bon Jovi. But way more heroic than any of them. (grin) But I DID find a guy who looks like the hero of the second book in my romantic suspense series. Saulo Melo with about three days worth of beard and longer hair. Slurp.

    Jeanne, blinked her eyes, back from the happy place she’d gone to thinking about heroes “Yes, I can see alllll of that. Hmmm. Okay, next question. I think I know the answer, but ya’ll always surprise me. What genre do you say you write, and if there's more than one, what are the others? What genre would you never want to write?”

    Caren: Um...I write humorous contemporary romance and some women's fiction. I would love to write mysteries, but I don't think I'm clever enough. I could never, ever write my all-time favorites - Regency- and Victorian-set historical romance. Too much historical detail required!

    Suz: I write several genres, American Historical, Western Historical Eroticas (The Surrender of Lacy Morgan has won two erotica contests), Contemporary, Romantic Suspense (both KIDNAPPED and HUNTED finaled in the Golden Heart). Lately I've been playing with a series about nurses and another book for a Contemporary Christmas Fantasy. I don't write Paranormals or YA books. Only because I don't think I could world build for fantasy that well.

    Anna: I write contemporary category romance – Special Edition/Supers – like my two GH finalists ‘Love by Bequest’ and ‘Mortgaged Hearts’. I have written a contemporary single title – ‘Gay by Day’ – which did really well in contest, but sadly was a casualty of a changing marketplace and the demise of Queer Eye. I’d planned the second book, ‘Going Straight’ too, which would have been a lot of fun and involved one of my fave progs, Trick my Truck. I also write category romantic suspense/Intrigue and am keeping my fingers crossed for In Safe Hands, which is under editor review. My latest, Past, Imperfect, is more likely to be single title romantic suspense with a time travel element. I would never want to write Inspirationals or erotica, and I’d be uncomfortable with a dark paranormal. I’m unlikely to write anything Scottish or Irish I wish I could write romantic comedies – but I’m not funny!

    Nancy: I write romantic suspense, historical and paranormal
    romance, and genre fantasy. They're all heavy on boom of some kind or other, and I like action. If we're talking romance alone, I don't have the right mindset for inspirational. I wouldn't want to write literary fiction because it seems to me more focused on beautiful words and sentences and artistic structure than on plot and story and because the endings are so very often dismal. And I'd never want to write horror.
    Again, not the right mindset! The current WIP skates the paranormal romance/urban fantasy line.

    Jo: I write historical, romantic and mainstream suspense, I’m thinking of dabbling in young adult, and I’d never, EVER want to write sci-fi.

    KJ: I write international thrillers. My father worked in telecommunications and I moved a lot while growing up and every country was a different adventure. The travel bug bit and I still love exploring new parts of the world. The combination of intrigue and exotic locales fires me up!

    Joan: Historicals are my first love and yes, I bucked convention and dared to set them in Rome. I think there is a great amount of interest among readers for a variety of historical settings. My newest venture, and one that I’m very excited about is a paranormal series with yes, you guessed it, an Irish flavor. I don’t see me writing RS…boom scares me as do maniacal villains…and inspirational.


    Cassondra: Until recently I’ve always written romantic suspense, which for me, actually tends more toward the thriller in some manuscripts. But last fall I plotted one historical that I’ve had percolating on the back burner for a long time. I’m now writing a futuristic series. I could absolutely not write romantic comedy because I’m just not funny in that way. Nor could I write inspirational because I can’t keep my characters from doing the nightly naked two-step before the end of the manuscript. I’ve tried. They just won’t cooperate.

    An evil grin creased Jeanne’s face.” Of all the research you've done for your writing, which research is most likely to get you in trouble with the FBI? (Or your mother?)”

    Caren: I go down a lot of rabbit trails when researching. I was doing a lot of research on the war in Afghanistan and skirmishes the US Marines have had with terrorist combatants. I'm sure I'm on a bunch of watch lists now!

    Suz: In my second Romantic Suspense book, HUNTED, I had a scene where the heroine has to know how to field strip a Glock, recognize a shotgun behind a door ambush for the hero and be capable of assembling bombs. Between the online research and my conversation with a local police officer, I'm pretty sure the local and federal law enforcement groups are watching me closely!

    Anna: LOL – they’re probably watching me right now! I’m researching murder, poisons, forensics and security devices. I’ve previously researched hockey (up close and personal - oh yeah!), domestic violence and abuse, identity theft and fake identities. I had a lot of fun researching the New York Marble Cemeteries, which will feature in Past, Imperfect, using Google Earth.

    Nancy The research most likely to get me into
    trouble with the government would probably be the blogs I read on terrorism and the Google searches on various types of weaponry and explosives, but I try not to visit websites where the actual bad guys gather. My mom's dead, so I don't need to worry about her opinion, but I don't think she'd like the weaponry and terrorism research either. When I earned my yellow belt in karate, her response was, "Well, you be careful." So she might worry about these interests.

    Jo: Oh, nothing I wrote would get me in trouble with my mother. She was as game for something quirky as anyone. The FBI, hmmm, I really want to stay clear of three-letter acronymic government organizations – IRS, FBI, CIA, DHS – those fellows can really make your life miserable, so I fly very low under the radar in my research.

    KJ I wouldn’t be surprised if I have been red flagged for my intensive research on sniper rifles, the French Foreign Legion, and anything that goes boom—in another life, I would have loved to have been a spy!

    Joan: Well, I have no idea what the FBI would think about it but my mother would be horrified to know I’ve, er….(sorry Mom) researched …um, stuff in the Kama Sutra. Hey! Just trying to get a er, grasp on things :-)

    Cassondra: Hmmm. This is a tough one. All the government agencies have already looked up my fanny with a microscope a few times and I think they’ve determined that I’m not a threat. Except the IRS. I do not want their attention, so I behave myself and do regular sacrificial ceremonies in worship of my accountant.

    I will say that I’ve recently begun trying to find out how to poison somebody and how much of a given drug it would take to commit suicide or kill someone, and I’m having trouble because I can’t get any pharmacists to cooperate with that, and I really do need to know this stuff. Honestly now. Look at me. Do I look the least bit untrustworthy?
    I’ve interviewed everybody from the head of the regional drug task force to the doc in charge of a drug rehab to the FBI’s expert on gangs and occult practices. I sleep with my own resource for weapons, explosives, and black ops, so anybody who makes a list already knows me well. If I ever disappear, y’all send help. And three or four good lawyers.

    “Banditas,” Jeanne said, draining her third mimosa, “It’s got to happen soon! You’ve got great stories, industry smarts and the drive to get it done. Not to mention the considerable support of the rest of the Bandits and the BB’s!”

    Thanks, Duchesse!” Joanie said, Googling Irish male models. “Now, we gotta get back to work.”

    “Right,” replied Jeanne, weaving out of the room.

    A loud boom sounded as she closed the door. “Shite, will ye get that blathering mess out of here!” Shouted an Irish accented voice. Another yelled “Rabbit! Somebody catch that rabbit!”

    Jeanne smiled. Man, she couldn’t wait for these books to come out!

    What about you? What questions would you like to ask the AYU Banditas? About their work, their stories?


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Friday, February 12, 2010

Be Vewy, Vewy, Quiet....I'm Hunting Gwoundhog!

    by Joan Kayse


    I’m ready for spring. I want crocus and tulips and forsythias blooming. I want blue skies and Mama robins building nests. I want green grass and budding trees and soft breezes.

    So Mr. Groundhog...you’re toast!

    I know. I know, I know, I know my winter experience has not been of the apocalyptic proportions as Jeanne and Christie and many of our BB’s along the Atlantic seaboard. Here in my part of Kentucky we’ve had intermittent snowfalls. Yesterday’s was a measly 7 inches. On the now popular DC scale that’s a dusting. But the blankety blank stuff won’t stay shoveled! I woke to 2-foot drifts blocking my drive. (Note: There is no such thing as enterprising teens wanting to make some bucks...even the lure of my chocolate chip cookies couldn’t bring them away from their warm, snug Wii consoles.)

    And now our weather guy is saying Sunday we’ll get at LEAST that much more.

    I’m done.

    Was it really only 11 days ago that our friend Punxatawny Phil saw his shadow? Personally, I think it’s a con as any groundhog thrust up into the glare of camera lights is GOING to see his shadow. He didn’t scurry back into his hole because of an impending six more weeks of winter! He had a flashback to those headlights on Route 86 that took his less well known cousin, Pete the Possum, out a few years back.

    Now I wouldn’t really hurt anything furry and cute. After all, Marmota Monax is in the same family as squirrels (rabid squirrel!) and I like them ok. But I figure if we hunt him down and force him to see the error of his ways maybe spring will come next week!

    So Phil...here’s the deal:

    Snow hides the robins. We can’t see them and take comfort in knowing spring will not forget us.

    Cold weather makes skin dry and rough and, well...you just don’t want to be in the Lair with scratchy Banditas. Sven does not have enough lotion.

    No one can see my pedicure in boots up to my knees.

    Snow bleaches everything out...until the traffic comes and then it turns into a black/gray glob that takes until July to melt. And don’t get me started on yellow snow....

    Gray sky is depressing. Throw a little sun our way once in awhile. Oh, but wait. Let me put on these shades because sun plus miles of white snow = blindness.

    So my question for you is, what do you have to say to Phil? What signals the start of spring for you? Whose your favorite Looney Tunes character and last, but not least, who wants to take in an oversized rodent until April?
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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Lair welcomes Kensington Author Carrie Lofty!

    by Joan Kayse

    Today we welcome Kensington author Carrie Lofty to The Lair. Founder of the multi author blog Unusual Historicals, Carrie brings her love of history to life in her newest release Scoundrel’s Kiss available now at your local booksellers.

    Joan: Welcome Carrie!

    Carrie: Hello! Thanks so much for inviting me to stop by!

    Joan: What was the inspiration for Scoundrel’s Kiss?

    Carrie: About my inspiration for Scoundrel's Kiss, I only recall knowing that I wanted to create a warrior monk hero. Maybe it just sounded intriguing and sexy to me at the time. I had no grounding in medieval Spanish history, so it was entirely based on the epic romance of that warrior monk idea. Then my research revealed something else to consider. I knew my heroine, Ada, was going to become an opium addict after leaving England. Opium was available from Chinese and Arab traders throughout the Middle East and North Africa, but the easiest place for an Englishwoman to find accidentally wind up hooked on opium was in Spain. Once those two pieces came together, and after a little bit of research to whet my appetite, I knew that's where I wanted to set Scoundrel's Kiss.

    Joan: I adore new and different time periods and this certainly showcases the romance potential. I think this excerpt will too:

    Ada of Keyworth stared at the poppy pod, the one the apothecary rolled between his skeletal fingers. "What would you have me do for it?" she asked him in Arabic. Seated, Hamid al-Balansi lolled the pod in his palm, around, around. A halo of sunlight from the doorway at his back left his aged, bearded face in shadow. But she could see his voracious eyes and the arch of his rank smile.


    "When was your last taste, inglesa?"

    Englishwoman. She licked chapped lips, darting a glance to his wide pupils. "Two evenings ago."


    "Ah," Hamid said, his grin widening. "Without your ration, I do not envy your suffering come nightfall."

    "Then don't make me suffer. Give me the tincture."

    "The question is not what I would have you do for it." His sharp voice held none of the pity she sought. "Instead, I should ask what you are willing to do."

    The cramped alcove at the rear of the apothecary's shop pressed closer around her. She cringed, the tapestry-lined walls threatening like ominous sentinels. Angled rays of intense afternoon sunshine illuminated the ragged edges of the tapestry covering the doorway, shining around it like a corona, polluting the air with the stench of heated wool. Seated on a scatter of worn brocade pillows, Ada hugged her knees and concentrated on the pale green seedpod. "Please." The plaintive word grazed the parched tissue of her throat. "I have no money."

    "Worse than that, pretty one. You have debts. Bad debts to unsavory men."

    Panic caught fire in her chest, at war with the chills. "My debts are no concern of yours."
    "Oh, but they are. If I give you the tincture for free, I keep you from asking for another loan." Hamid teased one of the pod's seams with a ragged thumbnail, releasing a drizzle of milky liquid. "Your creditors won't appreciate my taking business away from them."
    "Do they have to know?" The grotesque little whisper hardly sounded like her.

    "They always know. These people you owe, they are the eyes and ears of Toledo--not the high-minded courtiers you count among your patrons." He raised a bushy white eyebrow. "Why haven't you asked Doña Valdedrona for the money you need?"

    "She is at the Alcázar in Segovia with King Alfonso, and most of the household with her," Ada said. "But even if she was here, I could never ask such a favor."

    "And you have nothing else to sell?"

    She thought of the scrolls, the ones she had pilfered from amongst the belongings of Daniel of Morley, her mentor. The English scholar had helped her and Jacob find patronage with the Condesa de Valdedrona, then spent the better part of a year tutoring Ada in the half dozen languages of Iberia. A ragged bit of her conscience had not let her bring the man's scrolls. They sat in a satchel in her room. Now she wished she had. "No. I have nothing."

    He laughed without mirth, the squawk of a crow. "More's the pity. We shall have to come to an agreement, you and me."

    His fingers steady and sure despite his age, Hamid picked up a bowl from the squat table at his knee and placed the poppy inside. With a mortar, he crushed the fragile, unripe pod until nothing remained but moss-green filaments bathed in creamy resin. He added two more pods, pulverized them, and sluiced wine over the mash. Deep burgundy muted to a paler shade, swirling around the bowl. After draining the liquid to a flask, he added pinches of cardamom and cloves. Ada absorbed the scene, taking in every familiar movement.

    She imagined tasting the foul, stinging tincture, feeling the blissful release of the opium. Relief washed over her. Soon. Soon, she would be free of the wicked torture of unending dreams, that terrible nightly spectacle. The only remaining matter was what Hamid would ask of her. She closed her eyes. A distant part of her mind--the part that hovered above the pain and the insatiable cravings--recalled a very different life. Ada of Keyworth, the scholar. The translator. The woman from England who had once lived for reasons other than opium. But what had those reasons been? She could no longer recall, a failing that only added to her despair. And what would Jacob do when he found out? He had asked her to make one promise, one ridiculously harmless promise for her own safety. And she could not keep it.

    Hamid capped the flask. The liquid sloshed as he shook it vigorously, the fluff of his shabby white beard shivering with the movement. Watching, waiting, Ada faced an unassailable truth. She lived in that bottle. She would do anything to have it, devil take the consequences.

    "And now the small matter of my fee," he said.

    "Whatever you ask. I'll find a way to pay." His rodent grin sent frissons of fear up her arms--or was that the sickness? Anything but the sickness of withdrawal. If need be, she would stab the grizzled apothecary in the neck and steal his goods. She had killed once before, and memories of Sheriff Finch's bloody end revisited her nightly. Finch's ornamented dagger still dangled at her waist, the last item of value she possessed. But she would never part with the macabre souvenir, a talisman against those who would do her further harm.

    Tension curled in her muscles. She clutched the hilt, patterns of inlaid jewels and raised scrollwork gouging her damp palm. One quick strike and Hamid would fall dead. One quick strike and she would steal every poppy pod in his shop.Movement at the curtained doorway caught her attention. Two giant men in black robes swished the tapestry aside, blinding her with a stab of bright sunshine. She released the dagger to shield her eyes. When they dropped the faded wool into place, the burly guards stood at either side of Hamid, his bony limbs and parchment skin. And the flask was gone. "Where did it go? The flask? You said we could come to an agreement!"

    "But our agreement had naught to do with murder," he said, the dark pools of his eyes alighting on her dagger. "I felt you were liable to become unreasonable."

    Fingers, hands, arms--she could not stop shaking. "You know I need it."

    Hamid removed the flask from the folds of his white linen robe. He removed the cork and set it on the table at his knee. "Keep your peace, if you would. A hasty move might upset the table, and then your tincture will be no more."

    "Please!" Once she had been able to read people very well. Particularly men. She had read them like her beloved languages, knowing just what they needed to hear. But all she heard was a watery streak of hysteria in her own voice.

    "Now here is my proposition," he said. "Will you hear it?"

    Struggling for a breath, she looked up at the stern guards, their impassive faces and broad shoulders. One wore a massive mace at his hip. They made the tiny alcove seem even more confining. Backed against the rear wall, she would not be able leave without their consent. But she had no desire to escape, not without the tonic. "Yes, I'll hear it," she said flatly. "Name your price."

    For the first time, pity washed over the old man's withered features. His toothy grin faded. With steady hands Ada envied, he gestured to the open flask. An invitation. She snatched it from the table. Greedy swallows bathed her tongue in bitter, spiced wine, trailing a path of fire to her gut. The warm wash of opium soothed her tattered spirit and quelled the shakes. Warm. Floating and free. The price he would demand, how she would satisfy her next, inevitable appetite--none of it mattered.

    As the tincture enveloped her senses, she smiled and retrieved the dagger from her belt. It was no use, holding onto that grim reminder. "For you. My payment."

    Keep your blade, inglesa," he said. "Where you're going, you will need it."

    Joan: Ada’s in deep trouble! Tell us about her hero. I’m figuring a warrior monk will have to do more than pray to save her from her fate.

    Carrie: During the course of my research, I learned the 13th century was a strange time in the history of the Catholic Church in the kingdoms that now made up modern-day Spain. Leaders were so desperate to recruit skilled young warriors in the fight against the Moors that men were accepted to the Order of Santiago with few of the restrictions we'd associate with monasteries. Men could retain their own property, live outside of the monastery, and even get married! Conjugal chastity was the way to go!

    Only, Gavriel isn't a member just yet. He has to pass one final test: help a troubled Englishwoman overcome a deadly addiction. Once the idea fired up inside my imagination, I couldn't let it go. Maybe writing a warrior monk hero just sounded intriguing and sexy to me at the time. Imagine all the training and the hard-earned experience of a warrior, but all the humility and, ahem, self-control of a monk. And my heroine certainly tests him to the limit!

    Joan: During the course of your research? Chicken or egg? In other words, do you have a favored time period you like to write in and came upon this aspect, or was the idea for the story there first?

    Carrie: With Scoundrel's Kiss, I had a little bit of background because of how we left Ada at the end of What a Scoundrel Wants. She's been abused and tortured, but she's also made some patently unfair demands on her sister. Selfish and hurting, she leaves for Spain. Why Spain? I wanted a warrior monk hero, but I didn't want to go the path of ordinary Templars. Plus, because I wanted Ada to turn to opium for relief, I needed to find a place where she could go to get a steady supply.

    Opium was available from Chinese and Arab traders throughout the Middle East and North Africa, but the easiest place for an Englishwoman to accidentally get hooked was in Spain. Once those two pieces came together, I was off and running. I've found that no matter what story idea I have, it's always a matter of tempering it with research. The give and take continues right through revisions as I look for the best story married to the most intriguing facts.

    Joan: And why historicals? What draws you to write them? Who are your favorite historical authors?
    Carrie: My mom tells me that I used to string words together, trying for sentences and narratives from an early age. I see that now in my older daughter: it's all about expressing what's inside. Some people do it through dance or song, art or theater. My daughter and I, we do it through words. So I suspected that this is what I wanted to do, even when I was pursuing my master's degree in history.

    All of my ambitious colleagues wanted to publish their research; I wanted to have an embossed cover with a half-nekkid man on it! As for influences, I love lush, beautiful writing. My favorite romance authors are Candice Procter, Penelope Williamson, Laura Kinsale, and Patricia Gaffney. They all craft such amazing stories, not simply packed with emotion and fascinating characters, but with poetic language to describe every aspect of the hero and heroine's lives. I read those books and knew that's what I wanted to write. Those are the kinds of stories I love to read, so why not give them a try in my own style with my own unique voice?

    Joan: Well you’ve done a fantastic job and I know Scoundrel’s Kiss will fly off the shelves! Do you have any questions for our readers?

    Carrie: I'd love to know what readers feel about traveling with authors like me to new locales and eras. Are you game for it? Apprehensive? Are there places you'd love to read about, and ones that wouldn't appeal to you at all? Any and all ideas...I'd love to know!

    Carrie will select a lucky poster to receive an autographed copy of Scoundrel’s Kiss (US/Canada) or send a copy through the Book Depository for international guests.
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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Girl Talk

    by Christine Wells

    As many of you know, I'm still basking in the afterglow of a wonderful weekend with friends, romance writers and all-round good eggs, Anna Campbell and Denise Rossetti.

    It's been so long since I took some quality time to just sit and talk with the girls that I'd forgotten what a pleasure it can be. I have a husband and two young sons at home. My dog's a girl, but much as I love her, she's not the talkative type:)

    So it was a special kind of bliss to me that for an entire weekend, all Denise, Anna and I did was eat, drink, swim, go for walks and talk, talk, talk. And you guessed it, the subject of our conversation was most often writing.

    We even managed to do some serious story plotting, although it somehow managed to descend into a ridiculous punning challenge--about apples, of all things! Yes, I'm sure you all know that Anna was the instigator of that one. We had imbibed a few glasses of pink Veuve Clicquot by then, so maybe that will rest as our defence:) I wish all the Banditas and our buddies could have been there--especially as Anna was doing the cooking!

    I was thinking how lucky I am in my friends, not only here in Australia but on the internet and in particular, in the lair. I wondered how I'd distill the essence of those friendships and explore them in my stories.

    Some writers are brilliant at capturing the special, sometimes flawed, but ultimately strong and supportive relationship true female friends have. Jenny Crusie comes to mind, and so does Eloisa James with her Desperate Duchesses series. Reading about solid female friendships gives me such a warm feeling. Experiencing the real thing is priceless.

    What's your favourite thing to do with your girlfriends? What great fictional friendships stay with you? Do you have any wonderful friendship moments, fictional or otherwise, to share?
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Monday, June 29, 2009

The Golden Rooster Family Reunion








    Ah! What’s this? A postmark from St. Poulet? A missive from my sainted maman, no doubt. The poor chicken. She worries so. I am the only of her chicks to pursue life on such a—how shall we say?—grand scale. Dancing along the knife edge of danger is not for everyone, oui? But it must come as a particular shock when held against the lives chosen by that clutch of spectacular dullards with whom I was hatched. So, alors, I shall read her little letter then compose a reply which shall put her pretty head at ease.

    My dearest son,

    Ah, you see? Dearest? I am her favorite still!

    I hope this note finds you well.

    If you consider lying in wait on the decks of a private yacht anchored near St. Tropez well, then yes, I am. Indeed.

    I know that you are very busy in your international business.

    Business which I shall endeavor to wrap up as soon as a certain wily adversary shows himself above deck. Any minute, I expect. Any minute….

    Oh yes, yes. I know there are many roads to cross to be as successful as you are but it is a mother’s hope that you will spare some time for your maman and…many of your other relatives.

    Ah, my quarry appears! I crouch and….I spring! And karate CHOP and jujitsu KICK and a slash-slash-slash of the…

    Un moment. Relatives?

    Yes my boy, it is that time once more. Time for our family reunion.

    Sacred bleu!

    Cousin Delta is hosting it at the old family homestead in St. Poulet, LA. Ah my, the flock has spread far from the coop but all are making an extraordinary effort to attend.

    But of course. My ne’er-do-well relations would sooner surrender to the Colonel himself than forsake the chance to importune me for favors, money, liquor and women.

    I know you will not disappoint, ma petite.

    I shall not, maman! Though it shall try my patience exceedingly to rub feathers with my déclassé brood-mates for even that short time.

    It will be June 30th well before the celebration of Independence when all poultry of worth seclude themselves away from the dangers of deep fryers.

    You will attend and make this mother proud.

    With all my love, my little hatchling,

    Maman

    And so I begin the long journey back to the broken shell of my youth. To St. Poulet.

    Two weeks later…..

    A lone vehicle maneuvers its way down SunnySide Up lane, past rows of rice fields to a dilapidated brick mansion.
    Bypassing the house, the driver steers down a dirt road to the rear of the property.

    Oh, these cursed country two-tracks with their paint-eating gravel! What it is doing to my new coupe!

    Aghast, I look at the rusted wire fence beneath spreading oak trees. The din is already more than my nerves can stand.
    “Yoohoo! Cousin!”

    The squawk makes me cringe. With the fortitude for which I am renowned I step out of the vehicle and (dear Lord) am enveloped in the wings of Cousin Delta.

    Normally I have not the slightest objection to being seized to a woman’s breast but merde, ma cousine, a little air? A minor application of pressure at the wing-joint and, ah, sweet oxygen!

    “Bonjour, Delta. You have not changed a bit, my dear.” A most unfortunate circumstance, that.

    Why mess with perfection?” she laughs, with a saucy twitch of her considerable tail feathers.

    “Why, indeed?”

    “You ain’t changed much, either, cuz.” She jabs a wing tip into my chest. “No more meat on your breastbone than when you left.”

    “Yes, well, an excellent diet and a dedication to the martial arts—“

    “And your coxcomb still does that weird thing. Har! Har!”

    My wings fly up to my head and….sacred bleu! Ah, this accursed humidity! I have not suffered this particular indignity since my late and unlamented youth here on the family compound. I have done well to shake the dust of this place from my feed scratchers years ago. Perhaps my impressive physique and accomplishments will distract the flock from this most unfortunate nod to history? A rooster can hope, can he not?

    But duty first. “Delta, my beauty. Where is Maman?”

    “Oh! Your sister’s here. Yoohoo! Junebug! Over here!”

    Ahhh, my sister. Elder by two eggs. The pecking order always took on a new meaning when she was around. “Bonjour, Junebug.”

    "Oh, sweetie, I'm so glad you came! When Mama said you might, I almost busted a gut, I was so excited. I can't wait for you to tell me about your world travels.”

    “Vraiment? Shall I begin with Paris or Prague?”

    “I always dreamed of getting out of this stuffy old coop.”

    “Budapest is lovely this time of year.”

    But...well.. .you know, along came Spur.”

    Spur? That bow-legged, self-styled, one-rooster Elvis tribute? She married him?

    “Now I have Cogburn and Auspice and Augustus (you remember, the twins?) and Octavia, Sebastian and Putt Putt to chase around."

    Good heavens.

    *sigh* "I don't suppose I'll ever get off the farm now..." *sniff*

    Zut alors! Not to be uncharitable but have you considered keeping your drumsticks together once in a while? I pat her wing sympathetically and scan the yard for the nearest exit. Or at least something shiny. Junebug’s attention span is not her most formidable trait.

    Suddenly a long silver limo pulls up outside the hen house. The driver, complete in uniform hurries around to open the door, and who should step out, but cousin Delilah, the madame of the best little henhouse in Texas, dressed in her Coco Channel suit, dark glasses and big hat, she kisses her driver and joins us.

    "Hey, y'all, it's been ages since I've been back to see y'all! Hey Junebug, how're all those little chicks? And Delta, lovely as evah!"

    Delilah lifts one brow, shakes her tail feathers and saunters toward me...

    "Well, well, well, I do declare, if it isn't the Golden One himself.”

    I incline my coxcomb graciously. I have a small fondness for Delilah as her hen house is the site of some of the—how to put it delicately—more memorable incidents in an otherwise unremarkable youth. “In the flesh, madame.”

    “So, what have you been up to these days, ya old fake frenchie you!"

    Fake frenchie, indeed! It seems my original plan—doing my familial duty with as much haste as decent manners allow—is a sound one. But as the finest tail feathers in the entire parish fall under Delilah’s purview, I muster the strength to do the pretty. “Nothing of note,” I say. “But I feel certain you’ve been leading life a merry chase.” She brays out that rough, two-packs-a-day laugh of hers.

    “Ain’t I just! I got this new girl—prime bit of thigh-meat, see? Lord, she’s a pistol…”

    I lean in, intrigued for the first time all day, but then a dilapidated yellow bus rolls into the yard. It sputters to a stop, belching exhaust fumes from its rear. The antiquated bus driver down the steps and holds out a hand to an elderly hen.

    "Git yer cotton-pickin' paw offen me, you smarmy fella," she snarls, leaping to the ground with surprising grace for one so ancient.

    I freeze. I am terrified of Great Granny Henster, and rooster enough to admit it. GG is tiny, fierce and extraordinarily rude. She has been, in the lamentable past, particularly cruel about my coxcomb situation. I remain still and pray her eyesight has faded with time.

    Immediately GG whirls around and opens the luggage facility beneath the bus.

    "Where's my stuff," she demands. "I need my Depends, dammit! I need 'em right now!"

    Oh. Mon Dieu.

    A sporty Italian roadster roars up the drive to the lair, pulling in behind the school bus. A svelte hen steps out, unwrapping the Hermes scarf and tips down her elegant designer sunglasses.

    "Where is that reprobate brother of mine?" Dominique D'Or drawls. "I've flown in from Paris for this, he better have done what he SAID he was going to do."

    Pardone? I implied I would perform some…service? For my poseur of a soeur? Ridicule!

    She scans the various family members scattered about.

    "Interesting digs big brother's found, and such an interesting group of people to attach himself too. Oh, Lord, he invited GG. How does she get around in that bus?"

    Dominique thinks I called this meeting? Heavens. She’s delusional. Either that or she’s been drinking breakfast again.

    One of the hired cockerels hurries over and asks after her luggage.

    "Well, aren't you johnny on the spot," she says, with a throaty laugh. "Of course you can carry my bags. You can polish my eggs too, rrrrrrrrowwww!"

    Rrrrrrowwww? Perhaps lunch was of the liquid variety as well.
    Leaving the roosterling staring after her, she struts up to the front of the coop and calls, "GOLDIE! Come say hello!"

    Seeing no better choice, I trudge after her. S’il vous plait, I pray to whatever diety will have me. Please let it be brief. And if it cannot be brief, at least let it be amusing. I march forward to meet my fate, whatever—or whomever—it may entail….Source URL: https://plasticsurgerycelebrities.blogspot.com/search/label/romance%20bandits
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